Monday, 4 February 2013

I am, O Anxious One

The thing I've always loved about the blogging community is that it's a community that shares.  But increasingly as I've been updating my blog more and more and reading all about other people's lives and interests I've noticed how selective we are about sharing.  I can personally say that I only share the pretty and exciting things about my life and sometimes that makes me feel a little bit like a fraud.  

So today I want to share something a little less pretty with you.  This past week since my last semester as an undergrad started, I've been struggling.  

The facts all came crashing down all at once: I'm in my final semester, I'm supposed to graduate with a 2:1 in July, my marks for my first set of essays come out on the 15th, I've lost a lot (if not all) of my passion for French since coming back from my year abroad and getting out of bed in the morning has become an impossible task.  The little monster otherwise known as anxiety sits in my stomach and flares up when I least expect it.  It really is an all encompassing thing anxiety.  It makes me apathetic and despondent.  My heart beats erratically, my hands shake, I feel sick and I'm impossible to be around because I can burst into tears at any point.  I cried all the way home from university last week. It's frustrating because all I want to do is sleep these problems all away but the anxiety won't give me a good nights sleep.  My dreams are pretty messed up at the moment.

I've been throwing myself a pity party this week but today is Monday, a new week and I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I dragged my sorry chubby size 10/12 behind to the gym I've been paying for a month now, but kept avoiding.  The hour there was torture but afterwards I felt so much better.  I'm going to get a personal trainer to help me kick myself into shape, if I don't feel good about myself there's no way I can feel good about what I'm doing in general. Cups of tea are also keeping me going (out of my Pride & Prejudice proposal mug - thank you boyfriend), it's like a hug in a mug.  Reading for the only part of my degree that I enjoy also gives me a few minutes respite.  I also gave in and went to Holland & Barrett to get some sleeping aids (5-HTP for those interested) and they have really helped me.  Not only do I sleep better but it has been helping a little with my anxiety.

I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, I've been doing it for too long.  When I feel that anxiety panic take over I just have to accept that for a little while it's going to be like this.  This is a testing time of my life, similar to when I was in my final year of school.  The future seems uncertain and it's that fear of not getting a good job and never being able to support myself properly.  So many people my age are feeling the same way and it's frustrating because students get such a bad reputation for having it 'easy' and the issues that arise from this massive pressure is just swept aside.  

I'm just trying to remember that life has to get hard before it gets better and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't make it through four years of an all girls boarding school to give up now and let my anxiety win.  So in true British spirit it really is a case of keeping calm and carry on.



I am, O Anxious One. Don't you hear my voice
surging forth with all my earthly feelings?
They yearn so high that they have sprouted wings
and whitely fly in circles around your face.
My soul, dressed in silence, rises up
and stands alone before you: can't you see?
Don't you know that my prayer is growing ripe
upon your vision, as upon a tree?

If you are the dreamer, I am what you dream.
But when you want to wake, I am your wish,
and I grow strong with all magnificence
and turn myself into a star's vast silence
above the strange and distant city, Time.

I am, O Anxious One - Rainer Maria Rilke


  1. love your cup! and you look so pretty ♥

  2. I have a problem with anxiety and I really do understand how you feel... I think the advice I can sort of offer is to just take everything slowly and keep those happy moments/things in your life really close to you so when you feel like absolute shit you can look back and remember it isn't so bad. It's okay to be sad and to cry! Good luck with university, I'm sure you'll get the grades you deserve :) x

  3. Good for you for not letting anxiety ge the better of you! I have definitely been there, and it will get better.

  4. You have no idea how much this resonates with me right now. I feel exactly the same! Just hang in there and it'll all work out. Also, I did my postgrad in Cardiff last year. It's a lovely city xx

  5. This is beautifully raw and honest. I admire your courage.

  6. I can relate to this, you're definitely not alone! At the beginning of uni last year I cried every day for two weeks and the best thing about every day was getting into bed at the end of it. Good on you for coming up with all these ways to tackle it! Body image aside, I find that exercise itself makes me feel really good because of all the endorphins (although I feel so warm and fuzzy I'm useless for the rest of the day, haha).


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