The thing I've always loved about the blogging community is that it's a community that shares. But increasingly as I've been updating my blog more and more and reading all about other people's lives and interests I've noticed how selective we are about sharing. I can personally say that I only share the pretty and exciting things about my life and sometimes that makes me feel a little bit like a fraud.
So today I want to share something a little less pretty with you. This past week since my last semester as an undergrad started, I've been struggling.
The facts all came crashing down all at once: I'm in my final semester, I'm supposed to graduate with a 2:1 in July, my marks for my first set of essays come out on the 15th, I've lost a lot (if not all) of my passion for French since coming back from my year abroad and getting out of bed in the morning has become an impossible task. The little monster otherwise known as anxiety sits in my stomach and flares up when I least expect it. It really is an all encompassing thing anxiety. It makes me apathetic and despondent. My heart beats erratically, my hands shake, I feel sick and I'm impossible to be around because I can burst into tears at any point. I cried all the way home from university last week. It's frustrating because all I want to do is sleep these problems all away but the anxiety won't give me a good nights sleep. My dreams are pretty messed up at the moment.
I've been throwing myself a pity party this week but today is Monday, a new week and I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I dragged my sorry chubby size 10/12 behind to the gym I've been paying for a month now, but kept avoiding. The hour there was torture but afterwards I felt so much better. I'm going to get a personal trainer to help me kick myself into shape, if I don't feel good about myself there's no way I can feel good about what I'm doing in general. Cups of tea are also keeping me going (out of my Pride & Prejudice proposal mug - thank you boyfriend), it's like a hug in a mug. Reading for the only part of my degree that I enjoy also gives me a few minutes respite. I also gave in and went to Holland & Barrett to get some sleeping aids (5-HTP for those interested) and they have really helped me. Not only do I sleep better but it has been helping a little with my anxiety.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, I've been doing it for too long. When I feel that anxiety panic take over I just have to accept that for a little while it's going to be like this. This is a testing time of my life, similar to when I was in my final year of school. The future seems uncertain and it's that fear of not getting a good job and never being able to support myself properly. So many people my age are feeling the same way and it's frustrating because students get such a bad reputation for having it 'easy' and the issues that arise from this massive pressure is just swept aside.
I'm just trying to remember that life has to get hard before it gets better and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't make it through four years of an all girls boarding school to give up now and let my anxiety win. So in true British spirit it really is a case of keeping calm and carry on.