These past few months I have been single and ready to mingle. Saying this, I have been on a night out to scout about, and what Cardiff has to offer really isn't encouraging me to mingle much to be honest.
I haven't been properly single in about four and a half years. That's quite a long time when I think about it. The danger of being in a relationship is that you start to become an 'us' and not just a 'you'. I've fallen into this trap before. I've said before that my biggest problem (and confusingly also one of my best attributes) is that I give everything I have in a relationship. I'm not a person who does things by half, that's probably why I haven't ever really done casual dating before. I love to love and I love to give affection. But the problem this can cause is that I start to really lose myself in the process of trying to be the perfect girlfriend. Plus giving everything you have to someone can back fire on you pretty badly when they don't feel the same way. That's why love is such a gamble.
After my 3 and a half year relationship broke down last September I was at a bit of a loss. I spent so much energy on one guy I didn't really know what I liked or wanted from life. I've always had huge self esteem problems so that really contributed to this sense of not knowing what I really wanted to do or have in my life. The relationship I was in after that finally really let me feel free. I wasn't magically a new person but I felt that the guy I was with let me be me. It was incredibly freeing and wonderful. Sadly that relationship wasn't meant to be.
So that leaves just me myself and I for the first time in a really long time. When I was younger the thought of being alone really frightened me. But what I've learnt recently is that there's a massive difference in being alone and feeling lonely. I may be alone but I am not lonely. I am slowly learning to just be. Whether it's taking myself out for a walk around my neighbourhood or sitting in a café with a book. I have amazing friends who I speak to all the time and we get together to gossip, laugh and do things together. Socialising doesn't just happen you have to put in some effort but it's worth the rewards.
I've always been told that the right guy will come into your life when least expected. Whilst that is true I'm trying to change my school of thought. I'm tired of waiting for the right person to come into my life. Whilst it sounds like such a self help cliché I'm working on becoming the right person to come into someone's life. I've been so miserable with myself in the past and I worry that that could sabotage my future relationships. Now after my masters is finally done I have time to dedicate to myself. I'm excited to see what this part of my life is going to bring. There's more to life than relationships and I have to be happy with myself first before I can be happy with someone else.