Saturday, 30 April 2016

Lemonade 🍋

Once upon a time I met a boy in University.  

It was a fleeting moment and I'd forgotten all about him until I bumped into him a few months later whilst I was doing an early morning hungover Tesco shop in my pyjamas. That chance encounter turned into a three and a half year long relationship. It was a mixture of long distance and living in each other's pockets constantly when we were both in the same country. The relationship survived a year long stint in France, my personal demons and his own struggles. It was hard work at times. But it also was good. Comforting.

But what was also hard work was moving in together, and then a few short months later finding out that he'd been cheating on me for six months in the most abysmal fashion.

I didn't take it well. Understandably. He was barred from the flat we'd only moved into two months prior, and from my life. We met up only twice after I found out. The first time I laid into him with all the venom I had in me. I was mean. I was angry and not very gracious about it all. The second time, was a few weeks later once he realised I wasn't changing my mind about taking him back. He put in a late attempt on his end to mend the bridge that had long been burned down. He'd been dragging his heels about getting his things out of the flat. He still didn't think I'd see it through.

After what felt like an eternity he agreed to pick his things up from the flat. I can still see the moment in my head as if I'm replaying a film. 

It's late in the evening. I'm in what was our bedroom but is now my bedroom. My phone is in my hand as his text flashes up saying him and his dad will come with a van whilst I'm at uni so that I don't have to see him. I'm crying with happiness and go to plug my phone into the speakers. Scrolling through my Spotify I find the perfect song for this moment. My finger lands on the song I was looking for. The volume gets turned up to full, despite the downstairs neighbour most likely turning in for the night. Beyoncé blasts out "to the left to the left" and like a women possessed I tear through the flat throwing his belongings across the room into the left corner of the living room with all the anger I have in my 4ft11 body. 

The next day everything is gone and it's like he was never there in the first place. I managed to hide his GHDs and he continued to pay for the full XXL Virgin Media internet and TV package for the rest of the tenancy. And that was that.

For about the next three months I lived off a mixture of anger and Beyoncé. I lost almost two dress sizes. I was insanely productive and powered through the first half of of my Masters autumn term with full steam.

In the end I licked my wounds and quite frankly just got on with my life. I got stuck in with a new relationship which also ended in heartbreak but of a different kind. A story for another day.

Beyoncé's Lemonade came out a few days ago. It was an album I needed to hear three years ago. But somehow hearing it now, three years after being cheated on made it so much more poignant. I'm a grown woman now. I've learnt my lessons and lead my own life, making my own choices. It's been so long since the day I threw his clothes across the room, that the hurt has gone but the memory of the feelings remains.

Whilst there's some speculation about Becky and whether this is basically one big publicity from Bey and Jay, that doesn't really matter to me. 

What matters to me is that this album covers a woman's journey of self-knowledge and healing. It's what I've spent the last two years of my life working incredibly hard at. Being hurt is horrible and bouncing back from it is just as hard. 

So thank you Beyoncé for reminding me that it isn't going to be easy, but that it will be worth it. A winner doesn't quit on themselves and from now on I'm only betting on me. Because I am strong and I've been through worse.

"I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to cool myself off. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade."

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  1. Great post, such a good testimony. I've never been through heartbreak or cheating or any of that stuff, but it must feel great to dust yourself off, and get yourself through those terrible feelings of betrayal and confusion. Lemonade is such a good album....the artistry, lyrics, everything is perfect.
    Blue Jazzmin

  2. Really enjoyed reading your post- hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! However, at least you must be able to say you have no regrets? Good on you for not taking him back and being the strong, independent gorgeous female you are today! X

  3. If it's possible to own a breakup you defs owned that one <3 I still need to listen to/watch Lemonade!


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