Saturday, 12 November 2016

Romance & Love For Beginners: Endless Singledom

Wearing: Primark jeans, charity shop jumper, Office boots, ASOS hat and Topshop sunglasses

Heading into November has me filled a little with melancholy this year.

I always love autumn and winter, I love the crisp days and the darker nights. But this year it does feel a little different, a little bleak for lack of a better word. I'm feeling restless, have itchy feet and something inside of me just doesn't feel right but I can't put my finger on it.

I've talked about my recent change of heart and that I'm giving up on dating. That's still very much true and I've felt a bit better since I've settled on remaining single. But saying that, that doesn't mean that I feel happy about that decision 100% of the time. I gave up dating because I found the whole process exhausting. What was once fun just ended up becoming disappointment after disappointment. I just didn't feel like I had any more to give.

November makes me feel a little melancholic, because it was three years ago at this time of year when my relationship with He Who Shall Not Be Named the II (you can read more about him here) really kicked into high gear. 

During a recent flat declutter I found some of the forgotten trinkets and notes from that relationship. Whilst it didn't make me feel as heart sick as it would have done a year ago it was still a little hard hitting and brought up some memories I thought I'd forgotten about. I'm hopelessly sentimental and tend to get hung up on things that I really should let go of. Sometimes it feels like the things I let go of still have my claw marks in them when I finally do let them out of my clutches. 

I am probably 98% over my ex boyfriend but something about this time of year has shaken me up a little on the inside and I can't quite put my finger on it. And whilst I'm content (most of the time) being single I'm struggling to see where and when this will end.

I'm also struggling with the fact that I feel alone in the small things. I have an amazing group of friends and have a fairly active social life. But what I struggle with is that I feel like I have to do so much by myself. 

I live alone so by virtue of that have to feed myself and take care of myself, if things break in my flat I'm the one armed with super glue or worse case scenario I'm on the phone with my loyal landlord. My parents live three time zones and hundreds of kilometres away so it's all down to me. I have to understand how the heating timer works, always have to make sure there's spare toilet roll and laundry detergent. I have to make sure that I have a step box so I can reach the fuse box when the fuse blows, or reach into the corners of my ceiling to get rid of the big scary spiders that have set up rent free camp there before setting them free from my living room window.

I do think women are put under pressure to be a 'strong independent female' and that wanting to be in a relationship and wanting a boyfriend makes you weak. In that case I'm weak and I'm okay with that. I can't be a strong independent female 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. 

I want to share some of my anxieties and worries with someone. Schlepping them around by myself is exhausting.

We're approaching the end of my second year as a single lady, I feel like I've learnt so much about myself in these last two years. I also did things I never thought I could do, like run a half marathon.

So it's not all doom and gloom and there's lots of other things in the world which I am thankful for. I'm grateful that I have amazing friends and a job that lets me pay my bills. I'm grateful that there are people in the world who are as incensed about Tump being President as me. I'm thankful that I'm healthy and that after a long break from the gym and running that I've rediscovered my love of (gently) exercising.

This weekend I'm going to let myself wallow in some self pity with an episode (or several) of Grey's Anatomy. But come the start of the new week it's time to just focus on myself and spend less time moping and instead saying 'yes' to things because you never know, the universe works in mysterious ways.

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